Motherhood is a journey that lasts till your last breathe. Maybe even beyond in the afterlife.
Its a song you learn as you go. Initailly , we hum the music, missing a few lyrics..then we memorize the lyrics as we go and later on, somewhere along the way understand the meaning of the lyrics.
I became a mother long after my baby was born. I didnt relate to the pink wailing baby with long limbs instantly. Though I fell in love with her instantly but not as a mother. I went through a traumatic delivery and recovery. I was in the hospital for 10 days after Vevina was born. I was so tired and in so much pain. All I wanted to do was sleep. But I had a little hungry baby to be fed. I wasnt ready. I didnt want to. I had enough pain to last me a while. Breastfeeding also caused pain, was a rude shock to me. It took me all my
being not to hate the little one for causing all the pain.
I was recorded at 104 Degree Celicius for straight 4 days and nights. It wouldnt come down. As it happens, with such temperatures, I was delirious at times. I remember telling my husband once to tell people on the roads to stop moving. He didnt know what to make of it. It was the temperature talking but then it surely must have been scary for him.
The baby born 3.15 Kgs, lost weight and came down to a measly 1.8Kgs in those 4 days. I wasnt feeding or wasnt able to feed. She wasn't taking enough supplementary formula.
I came around with a heavy dose of antibiotics on the 5th day. But even on the good day, I had a temperature of 100 Degree Celicius. On the 5th Day, I remember seeing the girl and not recognizing her at all. She was born pink and healthy. Now she looked yellow and sick. I hated myself for it. I brought her into this world. She didnt have a choice in that. Now out, she was left alone by me.
That day I decided, she will be my Priority No. 1 from then on. She would be fed on time. She would get her heartful. She will get whatever she wanted on time. There would be no compromise as far as she was concerned.
In the next 5 days, I recovered a bit and the baby weighed a good 2.8kgs on her 13th day. It was the birth of a mother on the 5th Day that my daughter was born . A proud mother :)
Now when Vevina is 2 years old,sitting next to me and asking me 'Where's the Dino, mommy?' , I remember the little frail 5 day old her and shiver. Never again. She will never again feel like that again.
If the mother in me can help it. Amen.
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